Yellow Peril Parenting

Dear World:

I’ve been a little pain in the ass to my new parents lately.  I’m not sure yet if I’m doing it on purpose or if I’m biting, peeing all over the place when excited, and running at warp speed because I’m just a puppy.  In any case, I know that Yejin and Nico are feeling it in their legs, their arms, their patience, their sanity, etc. 

But I'm an ANGEL!

Anyways, watching them use different strategies with me after reading books on dog training has been interesting.  They have tried ignoring me when I’m particularly hyper.  They’ve tried yelping loudly when I bite them too hard.  They’ve tried the booming “NO” when I get a hold of their sock (and a little bit of their toes).  They've tried techniques used by the Dog Whisperer (see below).

I AM BOSS!

The most peculiar thing about their parenting stylescome out when we’re on walks and strangers either touch me without asking permission or let their aggressive dogs come running to “play” with me.  My dad just picks me up, has a really brief  conversation with the person, and then calmly moves on.  It may be perceived as rude, but I like it just fine.  My mom, however, keeps me on the ground, DARES the person and/or dog to approach, and then asks questions like, “when was your dog last vaccinated?” and “do you often touch things that aren’t yours without asking permission?”  This usually turns into a pleasant conversation, but I think it’s hilarious that she starts off the exchange with accusatory, biting and maternal questions.   Oh, parenting.

And last night my mom started watching youtube videos of people training their Shiba puppies.  There was one video where a 7-week old pup was doing things like sitting, laying down, high-fiving, and rolling over.  I saw a glimpse of crazy in her eyes as she became fiercely jealous that this young puppy was so obedient.  Immediately, she began reviewing the different puppy kindergarten classes she had researched.  She spoke softly to Nico about when to start training me, that maybe they should enroll me in agility classes, as well.  I, of course, didn’t give a shit.  But it was funny to watch her frenetic research.

See YouTube videos:

Typical.  Mom was marked as an “overachiever,” and, of course, the “model minority” growing up. To better understand this term, see cartoon below:

© 2008 Neal Yamamoto

Though this is not the right venue to talk about the politics of "model minorities" and the way in which this narrative supports supposed hierarchies of power/privilege, acknowledging this is important in understanding who she is.  Mom's parents pushed her beyond her limits like it was their day job.  Actually, it WAS their day job.  She had the privilege of having a mom who was able to stay home with her and her brother to make sure that she did all her homework, enrolled in all the right classes, had the “perfect” (read: overwhelming) amount of extra-curricular activities, demonstrated leadership in school, etc.  She competed in many piano and voice competitions.  Not a lot of time for friends, of which she had few.  Mom never complained though, and now is extremely appreciative of the tremendous support her mother demonstrated.  A couple of weeks before Yejin’s mom passed away, she said, “my greatest fear is that I did not help you see how wonderful you are, and how wonderful you can be.” 

Parenting.  Damn.

It’s complicated.  And I know, I KNOW I’m super late to the whole “Tiger Mom,” East vs. West parenting philosophy explosion, but I will talk about things when I want to talk about them!  So here it is: Mandu’s thoughts on Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother: This is a story about a mother, two daughters, and two dogs.  This was supposed to be a story of how Chinese parents are better at raising their kids than Western ones.  But instead, it’s about a bitter clash of cultures, a fleeting taste of glory, and how I was humbled by a thirteen-year-old.

There are already some great critiques of this book/philosophy from the eyes of Asian-Americans who have personally experienced the wrath/love of a Tiger Mother.  It is certainly important to acknowledge the ways in which this parenting philosophy can and does impact the emotional/psychological/physical health of children.  There are great critiques that showcase how this book may perpetuate the idea of East Asian/Asian-American Exceptionalism, especially in face of other people of color.  The point of my blog post is not to address these particular issues, but to give my puppy perspective on why the broader, less clever critiques of the book (and the philosophy) are annoying.

Argument #1:  Tiger Mother supports and perpetuates emotional/psychological/physical abuse that should not be tolerated in the United States.

First of all, most of the people who are/were spouting these heavy words are not people who have experienced this type of parenting model.  Many of them are mothers who have used very different strategies with their children who may feel invalidated by the  book’s ideas.  Please do not speak of people or experiences that are not your own.  People have their own voices. 

Secondly, emotional/psychological/physical abuse should not be tolerated anywhere.  Please do not imply that abuse exists more in other countries than it does in the U.S. – that is invalidating and untrue.  Thirdly, people (and puppies!) should be able to identify for themselves whether something is abusive.  There aren’t necessarily behaviors that can be universally blanketed as abusive.  For instance, my mom experienced corporeal punishment up the wazoo.  Her mother had rulers in almost every drawer in the house just in case her grades were bad, she talked back, she lied about something, she didn’t practice piano as long as she was supposed to, etc.  She did/does NOT consider this abusive.  Other people may, but other folks can keep their thoughts to themselves.  This is not to say that other people who experienced similar punitive measures do not experience this as abusive. 

Lesson: Don't label, name and pathologize things for other people. 

Argument #2:  Tiger Mother implies that you cannot be a good parent if you do not punish your kids, scare them into submission, and act as an evil, bitch-mother.

My mother’s mom punished her kids, but did not scare them into submission, and certainly was not an evil, bitch-mother.  Amy Chua wrote a highly personalized (and selectively satirical) memoir about her experience as a mother and was not really telling every mother out there to call her children “garbage” or emotionally coerce children to play very difficult piano pieces.  She wrote that these strategies worked for her daughter since her daughter was so pleased and was “beaming” when she had finally succeeded.  So she is not saying that punish kids à successful kids.  The false negative of this statement is, do not punish kids à do not have successful kids, which is the argument these people are making.  So a false negative based on an argument that wasn’t even made is pretty much doubly invalid.  BOOYAH!

Lesson: With or without punishment, you can be a good parent.  But how funny are dunce caps??

SHAME!

Argument #3:  I AM NOT A HORRIBLE MOTHER!  CHUA IS SAYING I’M A HORRIBLE MOTHER!

 I cannot speak to this.  You’ll have to ask your kids about whether or not you're  failure.

Chua had an interview with Jezebel (one of my favorite blogs) and insightfully explained why this book has caused so much uproar.  She stated, “We parents, including me, are all so anxious about whether we’re doing the right thing.  You can never know the results.  It’s this latent anxiety.”   Click here for full article.

 No one wants to be told that they have completely or partially fucked their kid (or puppy) up, whether the fucked-up-ness came from being too strict/harsh or being too laissez-faire.  But, people, don’t let your own anxieties lead you to make assumptions/determinations about other cultures.  This is not a competition of which culture will prevail or which is superior (I’m pretty sure the trajectory of these arguments are majorly frowned upon). 

Lesson: people fear the Yellow Peril.

The many faces of the Yellow Peril:

Oops...how did THIS one get here?!  Too political?

Argument #4:  Honestly, WESTERN approaches to parenting are much better.  I mean, WE are the leaders of the world.

MMMMM…what is a “Western” approach, anyway?  This dichotomy that people create and perpetuate between the West and the East is reductionist and simplistic.  Chua is guilty of doing this, too.  Um, I’m pretty sure there are millions of Asian Pacific Islanders in the West, and I’m pretty sure that ideas that people identify as “Western” are not bound by borders of constructed nation-states.  Being cognizant of social norms, navigating the distinction between self and group…since when has the West had a monopoly over these things?  This is just so dumb.

Also, check yourself on the whole “leaders of the world thing.”  Again, you just say that as a preemptively reactionary response to your fear of the Yellow Peril.  MUAHAHA.

Lesson: This is what would happen if Tiger Mothers take over the world:

Tiger Mother eats her young AND the whole world.

SUMMARY: 

Everyone:  Please stop having a culture/philosophy competition.  Universalities that come from this type of competition are usually useless and only serve the purpose of feeling culturally superior.  Which is scary. 

Also, I think people are just mad that East Asian moms get to be tigers.  I mean, look at how badass they are!

Uh oh.  I think mom is about to buy a clicker.  I DO NOT WANT TO BE CLICKER TRAINED!!!  If mom tries to get me to become an overachieving model-minority, I’m going to rebel.  Maybe I’ll drop out of AP puppy kindergarten, listen to absolutely nothing she says and start an indie rock band.  I’ll probably play the guitar, like my dad. 

Just so you know, World…I also fear the Yellow Peril (a.k.a YEJIN).

I'm OUT. 

Love and Rage,

Triple M (Mandu, the Model Minority)