People keep asking me, "Mandu - Why do you keep biting my hand/leg/foot/toe/forearm/nose/cheek?" Well, my dear, that's just how I express myself. I swear, I'm not trying to be a dick. On the internet I'm magically able to articulate myself through words and sarcasm, but, as you might imagine, I'm not able to do this vis-a-vis. I often wish I had that fantastical collar that Dug wears in the movie Up! Do you know how much easier my life would be if you just fucking understood what I was trying to say?
You may not be able to understand or read my biting expressions, but I am definitely intentional and thoughtful about what I do with my mouth. But, of course, as Derrida points out (yes, Jackie D and I are besties), meaning is never fixed in a way that allows us to effectively determine it. My intention does not determine the meaning of what I'm communicating. I get it - language is a complex social construct that existed prior to any of us using it, and in order to use it we need to understand its web of meanings in order to communicate with others. But why on earth do I have to understand YOUR ridiculously complex series of sounds and the meanings behind them? Why do you get all pissy when I have no idea what you're talking about? Honestly, all I can comprehend is whether you're excited or bored. Everything else sounds like the adults talking in Charlie Brown movies. Wompwompwompwomp...like that.
Anywho, my man Jackie D says that by privileging speech, we are closing off a whole "semantic domain that precisely does not limit itself to semantics, semiotics and even less to linguistics." Damn straight. So here's my proposal: set aside your hegemonic semantics, semiotics, and delve into the life of biting as a form of transmitting meaning. See picture of me communicating, "Bitch, I wanna play!" below:
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| I look ghoulish in this photo. Please forgive my mom for incessantly using the HipstamitcApp on her iphone, thinking it makes her "artistic." |
What Humans Would Look Like If They Communicated Through Biting Instead of Talking:
1) "I am hungry"
Prance over to the fridge, and since you’re able to open the door with your weirdly shaped paws, venture inside and start sniffing the contents. Hmm…old Chinese take-out? How old? Oh, too old. Moldy block of cheese? Is this blue cheese? Nope, it’s cheddar…damn. Is that all you have in your fridge? Oh dear…you are hungry and you want to eat now. Start whimpering. Stuff your whole face into the fridge, deeply investigating each shelf to just make sure that you don’t have an edible meal in there. Get your face caught between the metal inserts. That’s fine, because now you have access to some goodies that spilled over. Lick profusely. You can no longer control yourself. Bite, gnaw and lick SO hard that the fridge tips over. Run away, frightened.
Walk to nearest restaurant to get some take out at your local Boston Market. Your eyes become alert from the delicious smells. Jump over the counter and attack rotisserie chickens. When the cashier brings the manager over, growl severely and protect that juicy treat.
Mmmm...delicious chicken...
Take a big poo and then go to sleep.
2) "I am scared"
It’s 10pm, it’s a dark and stormy night, and you just indulged in a mini-marathon consisting of Criminal Minds and Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. (You likely identify most with Dr. Reid and Detective Benson because you're beautiful, smart AND fiesty.)
Though you’re convinced that you are now an expert detective, a badass fighter, and a forensic psychologist who can identify serial killers, you are too far down the rabbit hole of paranoia to feel good about your newly aqcuired "skills". Every sound you hear terrifies you. Tentatively walk through the apartment, as though you’re hunting. Appear this way to convince yourself and the potential intruder that you’re not actually terrified—actually, you are like a lioness on the lookout for a delicious, raw, fleshy meal. You’re even scarier than whatever ghost/demon/serial killer is lurking in your home. Bear your teeth, start growling to let your intruder know that someone is in the house and that they best not fuck with you. Slowly fall asleep by the door, armed with your sharp teeth, alert mind, and TV-detective training. Someone walks through the door. ATTACK IMMEDIATELY WITH SHARP TEETH! DRAW BLOOD! SHAKE WHATEVER IS IN YOUR MOUTH AS THOUGH YOU’RE BREAKING ITS NECK.
Oh. It’s your partner. And how their arms and legs are completely mangled. Whoops. That’ll teach them to scare you. They KNOW you have these marathons every Sunday evening.
3) "I am horny"
You just watched a steamy romance/thriller starring [insert the person of your naughty dreams]. Strange, tingly sensations are stirring. Frantically look around you. Is there anything to dry hump? Ugh, but dry humping is so unsatisfying. Start looking for people to bang in your house (you live alone, but you don't remember that...raging hormones mar logic and sanity, just so you know). Sniff, bite, dry-hump. Sniff, bit, dry-hump.
It’s not enough.
Run outside with your ears tucked back and your tail wildly wagging. Alternate between sniffing butts and testing the waters through gentle à aggressive biting. Bite people’s necks, butt, stomachs. Find consenting partner. Mount. Dismount. See picture below for instrunctions on propert dismounting form:
Shake your head because now that you communicate through biting, you always cause too many sex-related injuries.
4) "I am pissed"
You are walking down the street on an absolutely gorgeous day. You know you’re beautiful because, hey, everyone is (and deserves to feel) beautiful, so your walk (pleasantly) reeks of confidence and happiness. Suddenly, an unsuspecting hand comes to touch you. Who the—??
Think to yourself, “Dude, haven’t you heard of CONSENT? Consent is sexy!” That hand does not deserve mercy, so immediately turn your head around with your teeth bearing. You sharpen your canines for this very reason. If said hand doesn’t leave, viciously attack with your face and mouth.
When this rude/awful person becomes angry by your response and spouts ridiculous phrases, like “you were asking for it” and “don’t dress like a [insert oppressive word here],” jump up on them and bite areas that hurt more. When they start walking away from you, but you can still feel their indignant entitlement, bite their ankles as they walk. That’ll show them.
5) "I am bored"
It’s a Friday night and you were hoping to go party/bar hopping but your partner wants to stay in and watch a mini-marathon of Downton Abbey. You love your partner, so you stay home with them. After falling in and out of love with Maggie Smith about forty times in the span of two hours, you start becoming antsy.
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| "What is a weekend?" |
6) “I am happy”
You just went on a long walk in the park and got to hang out with new and wonderful people. You are surrounded by people who love you. Everything is just pretty fucking great. Your partner sits next to you as you quietly enjoy people/bird-watching from your apartment. Gently take a finger and lovingly nibble. Nibble a little harder, to show just HOW happy you are. Bark, with a smile on your face, and lick your partner’s face.
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