Dear Hipsters Living on the First Floor (a.k.a.
“Shitbirds”),
I understand that you feel the need to perform your
self-created/perceived counter-cultural capital. You feel like you must demonstrate that even though you’re
hosting a loud-ass party that greatly increases the ratio of young, white
people on the block, you’re still “down” enough to brag to folks that you live
in Crown Heights. Mom, dad and I
are on the fourth floor of the building, but we heard so much of your raucous
rage late last night that I feel like I am entitled to make a brief guide to
hosting said party successfully. Side
note: I learned a LOT about what entitlement looks like from this experience. That’s saying a lot, because I’m a
puppy, and I already understand and live the world soaked in entitlement. For entitled puppy look, see picture
below.
 |
| My gaze screams, "THIS MONKEY BUNNY IS MINE! I AM ENTITLED TO HIM BECAUSE I AM BEAUTIFUL!" |
Guide to throwing a
(white, but) badass party
1)
Invite at least 60 people. When selecting invitees, make sure the individuals
wear “cool” things. Cool items of
clothing listed below:
a.
Feathers in the hair or in earrings
b.
Old and tattered fedora hats that you got at
Buffalo Exchange, or Beacon’s Closet
c.
“Tribal” leggings purchased at American Apparel
d.
Non-ironic (and therefore ironic) shirts with
mainstream but badass rappers, like Biggie or Dr. Dre
e.
Sheer tunics with funky patterns
f.
Skinny jeans worn with fancy leather shoes/boots
g.
Brass armband
2)
Make a playlist that clearly demonstrates your
specific, unique, yet expansive taste in obscure AND mainstream music (starring
almost exclusively artists of color).
Blast said music. See
example of playlist below:
a.
Notorious B.I.G. – Juicy
b.
Bob Marley – Them Belly Full (But We Hungry)
c.
Dead Prez – Hip-Hop
d.
Balkan Beat Box – Digital Monkey
e.
Handsome Boy Modeling School – Metaphysical
f.
Missy Elliot – Lose Control
In addition, scream “YEAAAAA!” every time a
song moves you-this shows how down you are with the cause.
3)
Insist that you and your fellow partiers can
never sound like frat boys whilst playing drinking games. Yell, “EHHH!!” and “OOOOOH SHIT!!” with
irony dripping from your cacophonous (and mildly unpleasant) voice whenever you
drop a dirty-ass ping-pong ball onto the floor. Just so you know: I have paws and I can probably play Beirut
better than you.
4)
Pay absolutely NO mind to the fact that you just
moved in, and you are new to the neighborhood. Make sure that people know that you’ve lived in neighborhoods
“like Crown Heights” before, and make sure that people understand that you are
entitled to having disruptive parties, even though the building is inhabited by
mostly families (and families of color, at that).
5)
Laugh hysterically at the stupidity of the song
“Red Solo Cup,” but completely trash the building’s hallways with them.
6)
When I’m going out to pee (and maybe even to
poo), feel entitled to touch me without asking permission or letting me first
smell your filthy, sticky and alcohol-soaked hands. Drunkenly say things like, “OOOOoooOooh, you are one of
those Shibas, aren’t you?! I know all about you and dogs like you,” and “I am
going to steal you!” to which my mom will respond, “I will cut you if you
do.” They will laugh, but mom will be grumpy and will likely be at least 33% serious.
Get surprised when I bark and growl at you for touching me when I don’t
want you to, and suggest that I get trained. Bitch, I am 12 weeks old, I’m scared of you and your posse,
and you’re touching me with your weird, pink hands.
7)
Hosts, you should tell all guests about how much
you love living in this neighborhood while smoking cigarettes outside. No, you’ve never had a conversation
with any of your neighbors. Yes,
you avert their gaze from any “suspicious” looking individual walking down the
street (Hey, safety is important!).
But you just adore the lively culture that exists in the
neighborhood. You grew up in a
boring (read: wealthy) town in Connecticut, so this is just the best, you know?
8)
When someone who has been living in this
building for over 20 years comes to your apartment door to tell you to please
turn the music and noise down since their 4 year old daughter is trying to
sleep, and because she has to work in the morning, use a saccharinely sweet
voice to tell them that you’re so sorry, slam the door, and then crank up the
music. Evil laughter should follow
immediately.
9)
Become indignant when this neighbor calls the
cops because you rudely slammed the door in her face and ignored her request to
be a bit quieter. Talk about how
oppressive that is, and how oppressive cops are, and just keep using the word
“oppressive” to ensure that everyone is aware of how much privilege you do not
have. Also, use racialized words
to describe the woman, like “overly sensitive,” “unreasonable,” “hysterical,”
and “aggressive.” Wisely state
that the woman should just get a normal 9 to 5 job so that she doesn’t have to
work on weekends. Also, when you
start feeling guilty, just tell everyone that you took pictures of OWS with
Instagram. Show everyone these
pictures.
Readers, you are probably wondering why I am so mad about
this. Is it just because I was
happily sleeping in my crate and woke up, scared by the bizarre noises coming
from below? Is it because I
started trying to claw out of my crate to kill that noise? Is it because all of this occurs in the
context of intense gentrification, of which my mom and dad also take part? Perhaps its because I took a massive
poo at 10:00pm, felt really good about it (as I often do), and was ready to
have an wonderfully pleasant night.
Whatever the reason, I’m glad it’s over,
On a somewhat related note, mom and dad gave me my first
bath today. They must have read my
mind, cuz I was just feeling so filthy after being touched by the partiers last
night! I did the famed Shiba
scream and shook uncontrollably.
But now I feel great.
Til next time!
Rage and Love,
Mandu, the Maleficent
